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Chris's Joke Page
(Humour From England)
A man was sitting down
watching his t.v. one evening, when he heard a loud
knocking on his door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to
answer it.
There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat him up.
The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door. Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the same thinghappened.
The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts
and bruises and
explained the whole situation to his Doc.
"Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard
there was a nasty
bug going around!"
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be "presidential," replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
A Russian couple
were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like
snow!", to which the man quietly replied...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
An extremely modest man
was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability
to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard
who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost."
Two Canadians sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
During the Korean War, Syngman Rhee's son went to work for Henry Luce. But as the North Koreans came pounding down the track past Soeul, the young man got lost in all the confusion. Well, every correspondent in the Time-Life empire was sent out looking for him. After many hours of searching one of them found him. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"
Two Aerials
meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but
the Reception was Brilliant.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"
says
the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I"m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No. Because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown
and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaaaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
"So I got home,
and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
"So I rang up
my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
"So I rang up
a local building firm,
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
"Doctor,
I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
Apparently,
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
...And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.
So I was in my car,
and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been
promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang
up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went
into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What
happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.
So I was getting into my car,
and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
"You know,
somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little
note on the windscreen, it said
"Parking Fine."
So that was nice."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to
the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat g*t!!"
Two cannibals
eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged
one and let the other one off.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other
day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce
the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Interestingly Enough... The guys who dreamed up Canada federal flight regulations must have had a sever case of jet lag. It is an offence for instance to enter a plane while it is flight. And you cannot leave an aeroplane while it is in flight – unless you wish to make a parachute jump. Anyone found jumping without a parachute will be committing an offence and is liable to prosecution. A mugger
struck the actress Linda Robson (Birds of a feather) in the face and
made off with her bag. Two schoolboys
in Morocco were injured
when their teacher threw them from a classroom window. A Russian buyer has bid £25,0-00 for an imaginary guitar offered as a joke on eBay. Peter Wells of Blackburn said his 'air guitar' has some wear and tear on the bodywork. Now Wells is trying to contact the would be purchaser Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. The Pakistani Islamic sect of Tebrik-a-Nifaz decided on May 1994 that devout Muslims should drive on the right hand side of the road. Followers, as you expect, did just as their leaders ordered. But, everyone else in Pakistani drives on the left so this caused one or two problems So, a fortnight later, the order was rescinded, because there had been so many accidents State representative John Galbraith of Ohio decided to reduce the use of energy by introducing a bill to abolish January and February. “If we divide the extra 59 days between July and August, we will cut our energy needs by about one third through eliminating the coldest days of the year” he said. “Cold is largely a psychological matter. If people look at the calendar and see that it is July, they will happily turn the heating down”. Nice idea John. Try it in Alaska. A guy was fishing on Marathon Beach, Florida with friends in July 1999 when he saw fins in the sea and immediately thoughts dolphins and jumped in. Then he discovered that the fins belonged not to Dolphins but to sharks. His friends fished him out and he was treated for shark bites "I
Love Mustard" (This is a
true story.) If you have children you will As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick
slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, In 1968 the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (ROSPA) held an exhibition.The entire display collapsed. SPACE aliens are not visiting Earth to plot the conquest of our planet or use their wisdom to guide mankind. They're here for our toothpaste! That's the controversial theory of a British dentist, Dr. Alan Prestwood, the leading expert in a new field he's dubbed "exo-odontology." "We are thousands of years behind the extraterrestrials in space travel, but we're way ahead of them in dental hygiene," declares Dr. Prestwood. "By the eighth century A.D., the Chinese already had gunpowder and rockets, yet for centuries to come they used chopsticks to eat because they hadn't invented the simple fork," the Manchester expert points out. Dr. Prestwood believes the E.T.s have been stealing our toothpaste and applying "reverse-engineering" to try to create a substance that will be as effective on their own choppers. "It's taken decades because their physiology is so different," he explains. The exo-odontologist cites the following evidence in support of his theory: FACT: Widespread UFO sightings in the U.S. began in the early 1950s -- soon after fluoridation of the water helped eradicate tooth decay. FACT: Classified photos of alien remains recovered from the famous Roswell, N.M., saucer crash show the E.T.'s teeth are yellow and uneven, with several missing. "The photos also show blackened gums," says Dr. Prestwood, who has seen rare copies of the top secret autopsy report. FACT: While embarrassing rectal probes grab a lot of media attention, far more UFO abductees report having been subjected to oral exams. "Almost 90 percent say aliens closely studied their teeth," Dr. Prestwood reveals. FACT: When abductees are returned to Earth, a single item is often missing from their pocketbooks and suitcases: A tube of toothpaste. FACT: Photos of teeth marks left on the arm of an RAF officer who unsuccessfully tried to capture an E.T. in 1971 show five teeth are missing. FACT: The prevalence of UFO sightings is 20 times the norm in areas where major toothpaste makers have their manufacturing facilities. Some fellow UFO investigators criticize Dr. Prestwood's research. One says that according to many descriptions, aliens don't have any teeth at all. To which Dr. Prestwood replies, "That only serves to prove my point." The patient refused autopsy written on a medical chart in a South African hospital A study by three physicians showed that perhaps two out of three births in the USA result from pregnancies. from the Columbus Citizen newspaper Game show host Steve Penk: What is the name of the French speaking Canadian province? Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain? Cars with fewer than one occupant will not be allowed into New York. ABC news correspondent John Berman We were young and sacrificed a lot. I had to give up cheerleading, as did the others The singer Beyonce Knowles Q. Can you describe the individual? A. He was about medium height and had a beard Q. Was this a male or female? Weakest Link host Anne Robinson: Of what ancient civilisation was Memphis the capital city? Contestant: Tennessee I've had an interest in racing all my life - or longer, really. Kevin Keegan I understand small business growth. I was one. President George Bush George W. Bush meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do
you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to
me?"
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