Residual Evil: Attrocious
SCENE: Two men in black
arrive at the door of a smart suburban house.
One knocks on the door. Joke cripple stereotype in a wheelchair answers.
MAN IN BLACK: There's
been an outbreak of trashy drivel, sir.
JOKE CRIPPLE: Is it serious?
MAN IN BLACK: People across the
nation are reporting a sudden loss of money
in their wallet followed by prolonged drousiness and feelings of tedium.
JOKE CRIPPLE: And my daughter?
MAN IN BLACK: I'm afraid her
agent wasn't able to pull her out in time, and
I guess she's all washed up now.
JOKE CRIPPLE: But she's only
9 years old.
MAN IN BLACK: Whether she's 9
or 90, sir, no-one's coming out of this corny
crap with their career intact.
This attrocious sequel, so aptly
named "Apocalpse" is the movie that we all thought the first
would have been and vice versa. For a conversion of a video game about
a handful of survivors fighting against a city of zombies brought back
to life by a virus developed by an evil biochemicals company, the original
movie was superb. The story was carefully woven with twists and subplots,
including, above all, the insane computer that is trying to stop the
spread of the virus by killing everyone it can. In the sequel, however,
the computer has clearly been promoted to be a scriptwriter and is now
trying to stop the development of other dreadful sequels by making the
plot of this one as illogical as possible. As the main character, Alice
(Mila Jovanovich) from the first movie and a couple of others she collects
along the way try to find the genetic engineer's daughter in exchange
an escape route out of the city, nothing makes any sense from the start
to end. How could a private corporation put up a 20 foot concrete wall
around an entire city in hours without the inhabitants becoming in any
way concerned? How could they "cover up" the trashing of an
city when half of the inhabitants are freed after being checked for
the virus? How come the streets are filled with panicing people one
minute and seconds later there's only a dozen survivors left in the
entire city? How is Alice able to find precisely the one building where
others are, and crash through the window at exactly the most opportune
moment? At one point a nuke is sent in to destroy the city, yet after
it crosses over the city boundaries, it takes about 5 minutes before
it explodes, why? Did it
stop for a coffee at Tim Hortons to chat with a couple of cluster bombs
and smart Tomahawk for a while? Maybe to skim through its email in the
hope of a better career opportunity? And since when would an elite cop
tell a couple of civilians who have never even held a gun, "We're
going to have to
split up to search this building"?
In the original film, two of
the main characters were, indeed, well armed women, yet despite this,
partiularly in the case of Rodriguez's Swat Squad Officer, they were
women out of their depth, trying to fight insurmountable forces just
to survive. This time, however, the females are guntoting
superheros, capable of performing the slickest stunts in all the gravity-defying
glory of Charlies Angels, whilst all the others, often precious, well
developed characters in the original game such as the STARS Team, are
no more than cannon fodder, chucked clumsily onto the screen like
raw meat before a pack of hyenas. Likewise, the writers have tried to
transplant Nemesis, the genetically engineered half-human monster, but
al they have is some poor dude sweating under a pile of obviously silicone
skin walking about in shoes that are clearly too tight for him as he
up the place like the poor man's Terminator. Why? Because the name of
the game is to trash the name of a stereotyped multinational that doesn't
At one point, Alice comments,
"The T-Virus brings dead cells back to life." - if that's
the case, couldn't they have sprayed some on the cans of celluloid as
there's barely single film cell in it with enough life to entertain
someone as brain-dead as a zombie. In short, the entire film is
just a sequence of badly written, gruesome scenes, loosely held together
with little more than duct tape and shot in Toronto, where most zombie
flicks are, primarily as most of the population there are already entirely
braindead. With nothing much to offer than a lousy attempt to mimic
the style of "The Matrix", the filmmakers resort to T and
A. First they start chucking in nude strippers that have become zombies,
and by the end of it, even poor Mila Jovanovich, a once a highly respected
top professional model, is forced to shed her rags for protracted total
nudity in a ludicrously shameful effort to spark some life into this
total corpse of a movie.
Stinks as bad
as a ten week old stiff
Film Critic: Robert L Thompsett