Tomorrow Never Dies

1 out of 10


Regrettably, Neither Does Bond

Once again, Brocolli`s boys have managed to steam the label off the front of the same script they’ve been using for 30 years and stick a new title on the front cover. Go with a friend, armed with paper and pencils, and then you can see who’s the first to guess the next line, the next gadget and the next gunfight. Anyone scoring less than 95% is an idiot.

This time, it’s Pierce Brosnan playing 007. He’s easily the best ever actor to play Bond as we all know, because that’s what the studio told us (just as they did with all the other Bonds). As usual, he’s so "cool", he can’t even do up his trouser buttons without a computerized, nuclear powered gizmo to do it for him. Even so, Llewellyn or "Q" has been cut down to less than a minute, just in case he uses his clout as the only actor to have appeared in 17 Bond films to sneak in an original and unscripted line as the other actors walk around the sets, following the well-worn chalk marks on the floor, left over from the last 16 Bond movies.

As usual, there’s the new Bond girl, a forgettable, crotch-fodder bimbo for Bond who’s there to plead "You can’t, James, it’s too dangerous" with a role that is clearly one designed to help her acting career as much as giving Pamela Lee or Dolly Parton a double mastectomy. Indeed, as far as acting talent is concerned, the onboard computer in Bond’s Latest BMW stands out like a beacon of brilliance, particularly after the off-key music by a tired and emotional Sheryl Crow, apparently worse the wear for half a box of reefers.

As Fresh As Last Wednesday’s Pizza

Film Critic: Robert L Thompsett